You guys are all right. We should just stop playing football at Iowa. We have no chance of ever competing with any program above the level of Regina Middle School. No coach in their right mind would ever consider coming here, and even if they did, we could certainly never dream of landing one of the 2 or 3 coaches on the planet capable of producing competent, exciting, and moderately successful football.
It is absolute futility for Iowa fans to ever expect anything better than 6-6 and the occasional toilet bowl. With our limited resources and fan support it's incredible that we can even afford to pay the electric bill that keeps the scoreboard running. Iowa football will surely cease to exist once Kirk Ferentz is no longer involved with the program. It's the absolute miracle of miracles that Iowa football was somehow, someway able to struggle and survive for 110 years before the greatest football mind of our generation was able to resurrect it from the ashes of utter obscurity and lead us into the Golden Age that we are currently experiencing.
Thank God for Kirk Ferentz, because Lord knows that he is the one unique, indispensable individual that has ever been, or ever will be, able to overcome all of the daunting obstacles and immovable impediments that make the Iowa football job one of the absolute graveyards in all of sports. No person, before or since, could possibly muster the incredible resolve necessary to perform such a Herculean task. I am frankly honored just to live in the same state as this great man, and I thank God every single day of my life that the University allows me to pay them money so that 7 Saturdays a year I can brave the heat, cold, wind and rain, just so that I can take my seat among the thousands and gaze longingly at this wonderful man that accepts our mere pittance of a coaching salary and asks for nothing in return. He just gives and keeps on giving. For the day that he ceases walking the sidelines at Historic Kinnick Stadium will truly be one of the saddest days in the history of the Tall Corn State, as it will surely mark the end of any relevance, success, contention, or competitiveness that the Iowa football program could ever possibly hope to achieve.