While we're on the subject of fashion...
If you are a male over the age of 19, wearing a flat brimmed hat should be subject to immediate summary execution. I know there are 40 somethings on this board who let your wives dress you up like Ken dolls and this will severely trigger some of you, but listen up...
Here is a list of shit that you as a 40 something are not allowed to do and should be put in jail for...
1) Tanning. I don't even need to explain this one. A 43 year-old from Iowa looking like a burnt umber leather purse in January screams insecurity. Don't fucking do it.
2) Jeans that don't say Levi's or Wrangler on them. Stop listening to your wife and stop letting her buy you boot cut jeans with sparkly stitching on the ass pockets and fake stone washing down the front. We fucking know that you didn't wear the dye out on your knees, and thighs, bud. Stop trying to sell the idea.
3) Earrings. Just fucking don't. Most of us all had run ins with earrings in the 90's, but most of us actually grew up. Take those goddamned things out and throw 'em in the river.
4) Backwards hats. The day you got your first gray beard hair was the first day you were disqualified from wearing a hat backwards. It's not a tragedy, it's a testament that you've lived long enough to not dress like you're 19 anymore. Also, bonus points removed if that hat you're wearing backwards is flat brimmed or tilted off angle. Immediate firing squad.
5) Jordans or any other sneakers with skinny jeans tucked in behing the tongues. You don't live in Brooklyn, you aren't 17 years old, and wearing that shit in Bondurant, Iowa or wherever the hell you are isn't showing solidarity to the hip hop scene on the east/west coasts. It just marks you as a doucher who can't accept that he doesn't get carded anymore.
6) Sculpted goatee designs. Totally fucking prohibited. No soul patches, no shaving your goatee down to an upside-down T, no doing the 3 stripe thing upto your lips because you can't grow a full goatee. Either have a goatee or beard and let it be, or shave it. For the learning impaired in the crowd, basically if Fred Durst ever did it, it's not allowed. A goatee is your mustache and chin hair under your lips, unadulterated, period.
Fellas...stop letting your wife buy you clothes and trying to dress you up like a little puppy dog. You're 40 or 50 something years old, all you need are a few white and gray undershirts, a few solid color polos, t-shirts, some non-cargo pants/shorts (no fucking jorts allowed), and a few pairs of Levi's in whatever style fits comfortably. A couple hoodies, and a pair of black or gray sneakers. Hawkeye gear is to consist of t-shirts, hoodies, baseball caps or stocking hats only. No Columbia fleeces and no sweat pants. If you're too cold and think you need a $97 Hawkeye Columbia fleece, put another shirt underneath your hoodie and toughen the F up. Hawk gear is to be presented in proper Black and Old Gold, not that florescent yellow shit that some brands try to use to avoid marketing licenses. Also, Hawkeye gear should never be disposed of, only added to. That mid 90s shirt with the puke stains and burned sleeve are marks of rites of passage and suffering. If your wife tells you to throw pieces of your collection away, that is when it has been elevated to shrine status, not the garbage can. Tell her to get bent or find a different husband name Reese or Clayton who will let her play dress up. You're not her little preschooler.
If you have to dress up for work just do your thing, but no skinny dress pants, no shiny fabric, and definitely no pointy-toe oxfords. That's for 20 year olds--not you. For those of you still triggered and still thinking they can dress hip...know this--
The rest of us see you coming a mile away, smell you when you walk in the room, and we make fun of you when you're not looking.
