Leistikow saying Saban is at SE Polk today

[Fryowa]

And you know one of them is going to have an arm issue, at least early in the season.

Even worse. He's the only one on my team who wrestles.

Exactly zero of those guys come out of their seasons healthy.

 

[Fryowa]

I saw her get in the back seat of the car with her two friends and no bullshit the thing damned near bottomed out when she got in.

Chevy Beretta (2 door) with red tape over the cracked out tail light?

 

[99topdawg]

I wish they had NIL in high school baseball. I've only got 3 pitchers. No lie.

I'd go with that. I think I have some rich farmers that would chip in.

I'll trade you a couple of my pitchers and the parents that go with them for a box of baseballs...and you can keep the baseballs.

 

[99topdawg]

And you know one of them is going to have an arm issue, at least early in the season.

I had 2 pitchers last year that were opposites. One that didn't want to pitch/play in the field because he's afraid his arm would hurt and another that told me after the season that his arm hurt like hell all year but wanted to play. Wish I had more like the latter. Tough little shit. Glad the first kid graduated. Not sure how much of a puss he'd have been if it hadn't been for mommy, daddy, and grandpa.

 

[MelroseHawkins]

It's been years bince I told this story on here.

It was the day where Iowa played Ohio State in hoops and then rassled Oklahoma State later that evening. I don't recall the year, but I think Ohio had Sullinger. I went to both events. My buddies and I then went to a bar in North Liberty after the rasslin' meet.

I see them setting up a karaoke machine. A group of immensely fat women walked in. My buddy went to the bathroom. I approach the fatties and say "hey, my buddy loves to sing I got you babe by Sonny and Cher and needs a female vocalist." I get a member of their group to volunteer.

So they end up singing and these fatties viewed this as an opportunity to chat us up. This one woman was on me like stink on shit and the only thing I had eaten all day was a fucking ice cream cone at the basketball game. I was fucking dying. Somehow I get to talking about how I would kill a man for a taco pizza.

Closing time comes around. We're outside waiting for my buddy's wife to come pick us up. The fattest of the fatties walks up to me, grabs me in my penile area, and whispers in my ear "I have a taco pizza at my place. Why don't you come over?"

My brain goes into fight or flight mode. There's nowhere to run, I'm standing outside in the balls cold. So I immediately start cross examining her. "When did you get the pizza? Are the chips still crispy? How is the lettuce? That doesn't hold up to refrigeration very well... How many slices are left? Wait, so you're saying you got an entire taco pizza and only ate one piece?"

I have never been so glad to see a Dodge minivan as I was the moment my buddy's wife pulled into the parking lot.

The woman who made this offer, I am not exaggerating here fellas, she had to be 3 spins. She was so fat that her knuckles were smooth because her body had run out of places to deposit the fat and started putting it on her hands. I saw her get in the back seat of the car with her two friends and no bullshit the thing damned near bottomed out when she got in.

Sorry for the meandering story, but the moral of it is to never profess your undying love for taco pizza in front of women you don't know.

Ya always come through. Priceless.

 

[MelroseHawkins]

She had on a pink tank top, Green Bay packers pajama pants and had a tattoo on her left forearm saying, "Perfectly Flawed" in cursive, and the Serenity Prayer on her other arm from right after rehab, didn't she...

I can see it now. It's the one who never fails to play "Picture" by Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow at 1:58AM and flips the bartender off when he kills the jukebox at 2:00.

Last call girls. Brings back memories.

 

[Fryowa]

I'd go with that. I think I have some rich farmers that would chip in.

I'll trade you a couple of my pitchers and the parents that go with them for a box of baseballs...and you can keep the baseballs.

My AD isn't a baseball guy. He keeps ordering 3 boxes of IHSAA Spalding balls every year and doesn't put two and two together that we haven't been a good enough seed to host a playoff game since Christ was a cowboy. I told him if it does happen we can get through a single playoff game on 4-5 balls easy. I think I have north of 20 boxes going back to way before I took the job over which is probably part of the reason for the shortage. Last year I told him to quit and I'm going to start using 'em up in practice. I hate those balls, btw.

Oh and I'll take the two pitchers.

 

[Fryowa]

I had 2 pitchers last year that were opposites. One that didn't want to pitch/play in the field because he's afraid his arm would hurt and another that told me after the season that his arm hurt like hell all year but wanted to play. Wish I had more like the latter. Tough little shit. Glad the first kid graduated. Not sure how much of a puss he'd have been if it hadn't been for mommy, daddy, and grandpa.

Ask me about the kid last year who was borderline state qualifier in shot put and mom and dad (both smokers north of 250 who've never seen a field or court in their lives) didn't want him to pitch in practices or games until after state track was over. It's like parents have a secret meeting every year to come up with new and inventive ways to F with coaches.

 

[99topdawg]

My AD isn't a baseball guy. He keeps ordering 3 boxes of IHSAA Spalding balls every year and doesn't put two and two together that we haven't been a good enough seed to host a playoff game since Christ was a cowboy. I told him if it does happen we can get through a single playoff game on 4-5 balls easy. I think I have north of 20 boxes going back to way before I took the job over which is probably part of the reason for the shortage. Last year I told him to quit and I'm going to start using 'em up in practice. I hate those balls, btw.

Oh and I'll take the two pitchers.

Good Lord I hate Spaldings. You have to "start" the postseason game with them. After the game starts, others can be funneled in. Usually takes a couple of batters for that to happen the last couple of years. This year's ump was a young hothead who made us use them the whole game. The last 2 years the same umpire didn't even pretend to use them. Started with Diamonds right away.

 

[Fryowa]

Good Lord I hate Spaldings. You have to "start" the postseason game with them. After the game starts, others can be funneled in. Usually takes a couple of batters for that to happen the last couple of years. This year's ump was a young hothead who made us use them the whole game. The last 2 years the same umpire didn't even pretend to use them. Started with Diamonds right away.

I had the gamut of umps last year. Had two really good ones who always work together and got a bunch of our games. Those are the guys you build a great rapport with and get on a first name basis. I don't get mad if they blow one once in a while.

Only funny story I had was a crew of two guys from Minnesota who were apparently big into working Legion ball up there. Never seen 'em in my life. Anyway, the book says that technically coaches have to have the exact same apparel (it's actually in there). Getting ready to start and the umps are huddled up with the other two coaches and it's taking forever. All of a sudden one of them throws his hands up and walks off the field to the parking lot and I see him on his phone. Game starts with just the head coach at third. Eventually a couple innings later the other one is back and between innings I asked him what the hell happened. Plate ump told him he couldn't coach bases unless he and the other coach were dressed the same. One had a hoodie and one had a cage jacket. The JV coach had to call his wife and have him bring his cage jacket down to the ball diamond so they matched. Absolute ridiculousness.

 

[99topdawg]

I had the gamut of umps last year. Had two really good ones who always work together and got a bunch of our games. Those are the guys you build a great rapport with and get on a first name basis. I don't get mad if they blow one once in a while.

Only funny story I had was a crew of two guys from Minnesota who were apparently big into working Legion ball up there. Never seen 'em in my life. Anyway, the book says that technically coaches have to have the exact same apparel (it's actually in there). Getting ready to start and the umps are huddled up with the other two coaches and it's taking forever. All of a sudden one of them throws his hands up and walks off the field to the parking lot and I see him on his phone. Game starts with just the head coach at third. Eventually a couple innings later the other one is back and between innings I asked him what the hell happened. Plate ump told him he couldn't coach bases unless he and the other coach were dressed the same. One had a hoodie and one had a cage jacket. The JV coach had to call his wife and have him bring his cage jacket down to the ball diamond so they matched. Absolute ridiculousness.

Wow. That's ridiculous. I'm sure he couldn't coach in his hoodie because it would hurt the kids, because it is for the kids, right? Hate those types. The umps that are the best IMO are all about the kids and work their asses off. I honestly don't care if they miss some calls. At least they're trying and they are in it for the right reasons.

 

[ssckelley]

It's been years bince I told this story on here.

It was the day where Iowa played Ohio State in hoops and then rassled Oklahoma State later that evening. I don't recall the year, but I think Ohio had Sullinger. I went to both events. My buddies and I then went to a bar in North Liberty after the rasslin' meet.

I see them setting up a karaoke machine. A group of immensely fat women walked in. My buddy went to the bathroom. I approach the fatties and say "hey, my buddy loves to sing I got you babe by Sonny and Cher and needs a female vocalist." I get a member of their group to volunteer.

So they end up singing and these fatties viewed this as an opportunity to chat us up. This one woman was on me like stink on shit and the only thing I had eaten all day was a fucking ice cream cone at the basketball game. I was fucking dying. Somehow I get to talking about how I would kill a man for a taco pizza.

Closing time comes around. We're outside waiting for my buddy's wife to come pick us up. The fattest of the fatties walks up to me, grabs me in my penile area, and whispers in my ear "I have a taco pizza at my place. Why don't you come over?"

My brain goes into fight or flight mode. There's nowhere to run, I'm standing outside in the balls cold. So I immediately start cross examining her. "When did you get the pizza? Are the chips still crispy? How is the lettuce? That doesn't hold up to refrigeration very well... How many slices are left? Wait, so you're saying you got an entire taco pizza and only ate one piece?"

I have never been so glad to see a Dodge minivan as I was the moment my buddy's wife pulled into the parking lot.

The woman who made this offer, I am not exaggerating here fellas, she had to be 3 spins. She was so fat that her knuckles were smooth because her body had run out of places to deposit the fat and started putting it on her hands. I saw her get in the back seat of the car with her two friends and no bullshit the thing damned near bottomed out when she got in.

Sorry for the meandering story, but the moral of it is to never profess your undying love for taco pizza in front of women you don't know.

How close were you to saying yes? How many shots were you away from having goggle eyes?

 

[okeefe4prez]

How close were you to saying yes? How many shots were you away from having goggle eyes?

Not even remotely close. The amount of booze you would need would ensure flaccidity.