Derby doesnt have the arm strenght or accuracy to play QB

[hawkeyescott]

This is a bald-faced lie. Not the terrible at baketball part, but the excellent swimmer part.


I put a bucket of chicken down on the driveway and tested it's b-ball abilities:

1) Catch a pass - FAIL - Not only did the chicken not catch the pass, but it fell over and couldn't get back up. The ball rolled into the street.

2) Throw a Pass - FAIL - I gave the ball to the chicken (set it right on top) and asked for a pass. I was clearly wide open. The selfish bastard refued to pass the ball to me. It just sat there and ignored me.

3) Shooting - FAIL - Since the chicken wouldn't pass the ball, I asked it shoot a basket instead. At first, I thought it was going to ignore me again, so I went and "nudged it" a bit with my foot. After a second, the bucket fell over and the boll rolled down the driveway into the street. Stupid chicken, that was totally the wrong direction.

4) Defense - FAIL - I was able to score at will. It was like the chicken wasn't even trying. I'm pretty sure it fouled me several times too, but I didn't call it because it was a friendly game.

5) Rebounding - FAIL - The chicken failed to get a single rebound. It did get hit by the ball once and knocked over, but the lazy bastard didn't even bother to get back up.

6) Ally-Oop Dunk - FAIL - I got a friend to help me with this. He threw the bucket-o-chicken up, right in front of the basket, while I passed the ball. After a failed first attempt, where the chicken "jumped" into the bottom of the rim, the second attempt was right on que. The pass was perfect, right over the edge of the lip and in prime position for the dunk. The chicken, however, was not. It was too high, and the ball ended up hitting it toward the bottom, denting the bucket and sending it into a wild spin. In the end, both ball and chicken went rolling down the driveway (the ball went further, into the street again, of course). The bucket ended up with several large dents, and a good-sized tear where the bottom meets the sides. All of the chicken remained within the bucket, though.

Overall, the bucket-o-chicken was so bad as basketball, I'm not even sure it understands the game or what it is supposed to do.


After the awful performance at basketball, we took a break, during which much of the chicken disappeared. I'm not sure what happened. One minute we are sitting there with a cold beer, relaxing in the shade. The next thing I know, a bunch of the chicken is gone and my fingers are a bit greasy. Stupid bucket-o-chicken didn't even drink its beer before it left, so I finished it for him. I think it might have run away or something, afraid of the swimming portion. As it turned out, it had good reason to be afraid.


When it came time for the swimming test, there was a breast and two wings left (along with some wax paper and a crumpled up napkin). I put a band-aid over the tear, just in case. I believe that this is enough to prove the test valid.

We rowed out to the middle of the lake (me doing all the work, of course). I carefully explained that the chicken was to swim from the boat back to the shore. If it felt like it was in trouble, all it had to do was tell me and I would save it. Once we were ready, I put the lid back on and carefully set the bucket in the water. TOTAL FAIL. The bucket sat there for about 1/2 second, fell to one side, and disappeared in about 2.2 seconds, leaving nothing but a small swirl of water on the surface (and a floating band-aid). I tried called words of encouragement to it, but the bucket-o-chicken was never to be heard from again.

The band-aid was a good swimmer. The bucket-o-chicken - not so much. Perhaps we will have to see how the band-aid does at baketball...

This is awesome, good work.

 

[DuffMan]

I should be angry that your post is funnier than any of mine, but I find it hard to be angry when I'm pi5sing myself laughing.... now wait... ok now I'm angry I have to clean up this puddle of pi5s.

 

[VintageHawkeye]

Back in '82, I used to be able to throw a pigskin a quarter mile.

How much you wanna make a bet I can throw a football over them mountains?

What're you doing here, Uncle Rico?
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(Answer: "Grandma took a little spill at the sand dunes today. Broke her coccyx...")

 

[ShadasRevenge]

I played softball against him last night and he pitched. He was all over the place, no controll at all. He walked 3-4 guys and it could have easily been 10 if we wouldn't have been swinging at everything close.

He also didn't seem to have much zip on the fastball. He was only like 50 feet away but he still had to lob it like 6-12 feet in the air to get it all the way to the plate.

He did hit a home run to left that went about 350 feet but it was clear to me he just doesn't have the arm strenght or accuracy needed to play QB in the B10.

Is this a serious post?

 

[Billso]

Well played, Duffman.

By the way, I see you're drinking 1%. Is that 'cause you think you're fat? 'Cause you're not. You could be drinking whole if you wanted to.

 

[atxhawk]

The original post and IAHawkFan's post rival the Liger for awesomeness. Gosh!

 

[Hawke]

Worse yet he threw underhanded the whole time. I know some people (Teabow) have had success with unorthadox throwing styles but I think he's going to have real trouble getting over the helmets and arms of the linemen.

He can develop the jump pass ala Timmy Tebow, that'll teach those linemen some manners.

 

[hawkeyescott]

I played softball against him last night and he pitched. He was all over the place, no controll at all. He walked 3-4 guys and it could have easily been 10 if we wouldn't have been swinging at everything close.

He also didn't seem to have much zip on the fastball. He was only like 50 feet away but he still had to lob it like 6-12 feet in the air to get it all the way to the plate.

He did hit a home run to left that went about 350 feet but it was clear to me he just doesn't have the arm strenght or accuracy needed to play QB in the B10.

Is this a serious post?

Yes

 

[Bluzmn]

I don't know which is funnier, the OP, the BoC athletic expose, or the people who think this is serious.

Thank you ALL for the laughs!

 

[Ozhawk]

This is a joke right?

You know what is funny, my brother can throw a football (I should say COULD) 75 to 80 yards. He played QB in college and size wise was about the same size as Derby. I can only throw a football 50 yards. Just don't have the strength he has or the big hands to throw a football that far. But in baseball I can throw a fastball about 10 MPH faster than him. 2 totally different things

So you are telling us that your brother can only throw a 40 MPH fastball.

 

[DuffMan]

Is this a serious post?

Very serious I'm afraid, every word of that post is true.

I also accidentally "buzzed the tower" trying to bail him out by swinging at a pitch that was short and half a foot outside. How would you like to be the guy who ruins AJ Derby's football career by rocketing a softball off his dome?

 

[whammer33024]

perhaps that would be a good thing? since the guy obviously has no chance at playing QB and has no athletic ability even worth mentioning, perhaps you would be doing KF and the staff a favor and they could get out of their scholarship obligations

 

[GravyJones]

Very serious I'm afraid, every word of that post is true.

I also accidentally "buzzed the tower" trying to bail him out by swinging at a pitch that was short and half a foot outside. How would you like to be the guy who ruins AJ Derby's football career by rocketing a softball off his dome?

Haven't you always wanted to be the answer to a trivia question?

 

[DuffMan]

Haven't you always wanted to be the answer to a trivia question?

Yes, but I wanted the question to be "Who is the only man to have been married to Charlize Theron, Rebecca Stamos, and Erin Andrews?"

 

[Hawkeye2929]

I hear isu has an open spot at qb. Derby might want to cosider it??

 

[IAHawkFan]

I should be angry that your post is funnier than any of mine, but I find it hard to be angry when I'm pi5sing myself laughing.... now wait... ok now I'm angry I have to clean up this puddle of pi5s.

As long as you're angry, my work here is done

 

[IAHawkFan]

How come nobody ever asks if my post was serious?

And if ISU needs a QB, perhaps they aught to look at BucketoChicken. Just because he can't play basketball or swim doesn't mean he can't play QB for them.

Perhaps we need to get him out there and test his football skills...

 

[Bucketochicken]

How come nobody ever asks if my post was serious?

And if ISU needs a QB, perhaps they aught to look at BucketoChicken. Just because he can't play basketball or swim doesn't mean he can't play QB for them.

Perhaps we need to get him out there and test his football skills...

Probably wouldn't go over well. I played Guard. And I'm only 5'9'', 170#.

Er wait - did you mean me, or the actual terrible-at-hoopyball-and-swimming bucket of chicken?

 

[gnfnr]

This is a bald-faced lie. Not the terrible at baketball part, but the excellent swimmer part.


I put a bucket of chicken down on the driveway and tested it's b-ball abilities:

1) Catch a pass - FAIL - Not only did the chicken not catch the pass, but it fell over and couldn't get back up. The ball rolled into the street.

2) Throw a Pass - FAIL - I gave the ball to the chicken (set it right on top) and asked for a pass. I was clearly wide open. The selfish bastard refued to pass the ball to me. It just sat there and ignored me.

3) Shooting - FAIL - Since the chicken wouldn't pass the ball, I asked it shoot a basket instead. At first, I thought it was going to ignore me again, so I went and "nudged it" a bit with my foot. After a second, the bucket fell over and the boll rolled down the driveway into the street. Stupid chicken, that was totally the wrong direction.

4) Defense - FAIL - I was able to score at will. It was like the chicken wasn't even trying. I'm pretty sure it fouled me several times too, but I didn't call it because it was a friendly game.

5) Rebounding - FAIL - The chicken failed to get a single rebound. It did get hit by the ball once and knocked over, but the lazy bastard didn't even bother to get back up.

6) Ally-Oop Dunk - FAIL - I got a friend to help me with this. He threw the bucket-o-chicken up, right in front of the basket, while I passed the ball. After a failed first attempt, where the chicken "jumped" into the bottom of the rim, the second attempt was right on que. The pass was perfect, right over the edge of the lip and in prime position for the dunk. The chicken, however, was not. It was too high, and the ball ended up hitting it toward the bottom, denting the bucket and sending it into a wild spin. In the end, both ball and chicken went rolling down the driveway (the ball went further, into the street again, of course). The bucket ended up with several large dents, and a good-sized tear where the bottom meets the sides. All of the chicken remained within the bucket, though.

Overall, the bucket-o-chicken was so bad as basketball, I'm not even sure it understands the game or what it is supposed to do.


After the awful performance at basketball, we took a break, during which much of the chicken disappeared. I'm not sure what happened. One minute we are sitting there with a cold beer, relaxing in the shade. The next thing I know, a bunch of the chicken is gone and my fingers are a bit greasy. Stupid bucket-o-chicken didn't even drink its beer before it left, so I finished it for him. I think it might have run away or something, afraid of the swimming portion. As it turned out, it had good reason to be afraid.


When it came time for the swimming test, there was a breast and two wings left (along with some wax paper and a crumpled up napkin). I put a band-aid over the tear, just in case. I believe that this is enough to prove the test valid.

We rowed out to the middle of the lake (me doing all the work, of course). I carefully explained that the chicken was to swim from the boat back to the shore. If it felt like it was in trouble, all it had to do was tell me and I would save it. Once we were ready, I put the lid back on and carefully set the bucket in the water. TOTAL FAIL. The bucket sat there for about 1/2 second, fell to one side, and disappeared in about 2.2 seconds, leaving nothing but a small swirl of water on the surface (and a floating band-aid). I tried called words of encouragement to it, but the bucket-o-chicken was never to be heard from again.

The band-aid was a good swimmer. The bucket-o-chicken - not so much. Perhaps we will have to see how the band-aid does at baketball...

Awesome. But you failed to mention if you tried putting the bucket on your head and picking up a guitar ... . I heard it is good at that.

 

[DuffMan]

How come nobody ever asks if my post was serious?

And if ISU needs a QB, perhaps they aught to look at BucketoChicken. Just because he can't play basketball or swim doesn't mean he can't play QB for them.

Perhaps we need to get him out there and test his football skills...

I think everyone naturally assumed you did all those things.

EDIT

Actually now that I re-read everything it's obvious the whole story is made up. No way would you not eat the whole bucket, that would be like an ISU co-ed opening a pack of twinkies and only eating one, it's just not gonna happen.