Just want to toss a couple points out there.
I, like you, wouldn’t consider getting married. Same thing, too many friends have ruined their life savings in divorces, custody issues ruin their mental health, etc.
However I do have a 12 year old son who doesn’t live in the “convemtional home.” His mom and I were together for a about a year and a half before he was born, and about three years after (never married). We never really got along at all the whole time we were together, and much of that time spent was staying together because we didn’t want to split with a child. So...eventually we realized we were hurting the situation more than helping it, and she moved out. Luckily we are both reasonable people and we decided that since we live within a mile of each other in the same town, and since neither of us could bear being a “weekend warrior” parent, we would split custody 50/50 during the week and every other weekend. We also don’t do child support (I’ll get to that in a minute), we split everything exactly in half and it works great. I don’t know shit about clothes so when it’s clothes shopping time she gets it and I pay half the receipt. School lunch? She pays 1st semester, I pay 2nd. Doctor bills, insurance, sports fees...half. There are plenty of things that we both do on our own for him financial-wise, but we handle that ourselves to the degree we think it’s necessary.
We also—and this is crucial—are super flexible on the schedule. If I’m going fishing or something on the weekend and he doesn’t have anything going on at his mom’s, all I do is call her and say, “Hey, is it ok if I come pick up Fryowa Jr to go fishing, I’ll drop him off when we get home.” Never been turned down yet. Same thing for her if they want to go do something. We just stay courteous and make sure he still gets equal time.
He’s 12 now and we’ve been doing this since ‘09. He gets mostly A’s in school, has lots of good friends, stays involved in sports and after school stuff, and he’s way smarter than I was at his age.
Bottom line is that it’s not the unconventional home that wrecks kids’ lives, it’s 80% the parents being douches, and 20% the state enforcing unneeded requirements on parents that also drive some parents to do douchey things. For instance, if we had been married, we would have been required to establish a custody agreement whether we wanted/needed one or not (which we didn’t). Those things are just weapons in parents’s hands to cause fights. We would also have to set up child support which would have been needlessly shitty for me because she makes less money. But...we’re both reasonable people and both of us know it took two to tango here. We split the expenses in half that are required to raise a kid and do the rest separately. Luckily for me she realizes that my (or her) income level doesn’t entitle the other person to part of it just because.
Now I know there are some seriously shitty parents out there who shouldn’t have kids in the first place, and some custody/support laws are necessary. But even if his mom and I are one of few, they should be optional for those who can do it better on their own.
Two takeaways...
1) Marriage is fucking stupid. It’s a meaningless, archaic, leftover relic from a made up religion. You need to have some dumb religious ceremony at a church carnival to say you’re committed to somebody? Fine. Do it. But don’t bring laws and the state into it. The only difference between marriage and living with someone you love is that if you decide it isn’t working out, now you have to ruin each other’s lives financially and F your kids over in a divorce because you signed a business contract. It’s a contract designed to make it as mentally and financially ruinious as possible to spouses and children, in hopes that they don’t do it and stay together. Yeeeaaahhh...that’ll work. We get along way better now that we don’t live with each other and I’d say we’re even good friends. Shoulda gotten married like good Judeo-Christians though, huh. Cause that’s what the book of spells tells us we’re supposed to do before having kids. And for any religious weirdos out there who feel like preaching, I don’t believe in your fairies and hobgoblins, so it won’t scare me into repentance. Save the keystrokes.
2) Kids can and do thrive in unconventional homes. Again, it’s up to the parents, but they can. Would I love to have my kid every day? You bet. But I talk to him probably 5 times a day minimum when he’s at his mom’s. Truth be told, I usually see him everyday anyway because I coach sports, pick him up and drop him off at activities, etc. His mom and I talk everyday about stuff that has to do with our son, and I even babysit her other kid when they’re in a pinch (she’s married now). People can make it work, they just have to not be douche bags.