Every so often, we are graced with a performance that makes us stop and take notice. Whether it is watching Mark McGwire hit 70 home runs in a season and then have it eclipsed by Barry Bonds hitting 73, seeing Lance Armstrong win 7 Tour de France races in a row, or bearing witness to Joe Paterno collecting 409 wins as a head coach, these performances captivate our attention and make us all stop and take notice. But as we all know, sometimes these captivating performances can become surrounded in scandal.
Such was the case with the Official 2012 HN Poster Awards. To call The Committee disappointed in the actions and behaviors of one poster, who had what was unquestionably the most impressive year in the history of HawkeyeNation (and one of the most impressive years in the history of the entire internet), would be an understatement. However, The Committee cannot stand by idly and watch trainwrecks unfold. The Committee will not put itself in a position of recognizing or honoring this particular poster for his egregious failure in judgment and conduct unbecoming of the awards he would have won. The Committee did not want to be in a position of placing his name in the record books, for all of eternity, only to then have to turn around and strip him of them at a later point (see 2011 treatment of InNormwetrust) and look foolish like Major League Baseball, whoever “polices†bicycling, or the NCAA so often does. Below is a list of awards the poster in question would have won. Note that his name is not listed, merely an asterisk because the official record will not reflect those awards and The Committee has destroyed its internal records concurrent with the posting of this thread.
Violentacrez troll of the year award: *
Violentacrez fall from glory award: * (technically awarded after * broke The Committee’s rules)
Most appropriate and timely photographic meme photos award: *
Pulitzer for critically acclaimed recurring journalistic work related to hangovers: *
Best original screenplay in a rage comic: *
Oscar for best picture: *
Poster of the Year Award: *
For the sins of that one poster, many of the rest of you will be punished. The Committee has decided to cap this year’s awards at 7. 7 is a symbolic number, as it represents the awards that * would have won and it also represents the total number of touchdowns thrown by Iowa’s quarterback, James Vandenberg, this past football season. It conveys the true level of disappointment felt by The Committee and the fanbase on the heels of what was a disastrous 2012. So if you couldn’t defend your “Smoothest poster from the Arnolds Park area†award or your “Greg Lemond cyclist of the year†award, you have one person to blame, and that is the person who sullied the entire process with his delusions of grandeur. To be clear, The Committee is not run by the administration of The Ohio State University or Major League Baseball. The Committee takes its duties seriously and demands that its very simple rules against self-aggrandizing behavior be strictly complied with. If you are a good poster, The Committee will find you and recognize you.
So without further ado, below are the 7 awards that survived the cut.
Joan Crawford parent of the year award: knighthawk13 (for depriving his 6 year old son of AE dip (
http://www.hawkeyenation.com/forum/...roducts-those-who-left-iowa-4.html#post784856) (“My little guy has not had the pleasure to enjoy party dip. That is about to change. He's 6......I think he's ready.â€))
Politics board poster of the year award: The poster who receives unanimous support as the recipient of the award from the 30 posters who had the most posts on the politics board during 2012
Payne Stewart high flyer to crash and burn award: golfer (career began strong with news of O’Keefe departure, but fizzled quickly thereafter as further information failed to materialize)
Quote of the year award: olddude with “You want to come at me in a battle of wit or brawn, you better pack a lunch, because you are in for a very long day.â€
Comeback poster of the year award: MesaClone for his short stint before JD realized his alleged “permaban†ran out
Female poster of the year award: Melissa (MNHawkeyeFreak had a chance to win this, but she failed to faithfully discharge her duties as secretary to The Committee in charge of coordinating the 2012 Proles Choice Awards and she mischaracterized an award she received last year in her signature)
Football board poster of the year award: The Committee was thoroughly impressed with the Nobel Committee’s decision to give the Nobel Peace Prize to the EU. Hence, it took a similar tact with the Football poster of the year award this year. Thus, the winner of that award is as follows: Any poster who (i) is not an Iowa State fan, (ii) attended an Iowa football game in 2012 to watch and cheer for that disaster of a team, (iii) posted on the HN football board at any time after November 1 and (iv) was not otherwise barred from receiving an award this year (so guys like * mentioned above, BSpringsteen, dave3912 and others similarly situated are barred from winning this award). Upon request, evidence of game attendance and posting after November 1, 2012 must be provided by anyone claiming this award.
The Committee would also like recognize JohnstonHawkeye for his excellence in broadcast radio journalism with an honorable mention at this time.
The Committee hopes this Marine Corps tough love approach will ensure strict compliance with its rules in 2013. The Committee would congratulate the winners, but given The Committee’s disappointment, congratulations are not in order.
